Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
