Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
