I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
