there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
