People with herpes should wear stickers.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Everclear isn't food dammit
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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