you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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