I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
