So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
