he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
