The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
