I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
...so i touched it.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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