happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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