remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
this hospital has no fireball
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
