I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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