he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
