he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
