the condom got lost in my hair
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
