That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
