His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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