I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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