I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
