I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
