Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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