Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
