well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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