wanna go halves on a baby?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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