Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
