YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
