I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
