She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
