She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
