there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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