i think i have two assholes
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
