Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
