I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
