That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
