It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
