I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
