So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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