just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
