I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
