So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
