I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
