i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
