Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
