I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
