Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
