I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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