I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
