coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I need mimosas to revive my soul
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
