I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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