I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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