sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
